The Lark Guide to Artworld Behaviors

I’m still trying to figure out how the Hell I ended up doing this. Oh, yeah: I saw Bill Davenport’s response to Houstonia’s “The Five People You See at an Exhibition Opening,” and found myself ranting away in the 15 minutes that I should have used working. Then I made the huuuuuuuge mistake of hitting “SEND.”

Will I never learn? Fortunately for me, the editor (Mr. Davenport) had not yet posted aforementioned rant and agreed not to; unfortunately for me, I had to commit to writing something not so ranty and stupid. As much as I am capable of doing such a thing.

I had to ask myself—why did this post prompt me to dust off the keyboard? Then I realized: I love lists! I love categories! I love breaking things down systematically. It lulls me into the comforting thought that there can possibly be order amidst all of the chaos. David Letterman’s old “Top Ten.” Glamour magazine’s fashion “Do’s and Don’ts.” Stephen Colbert’s “Word.” Paul Fussell’s great book, “Class.” As offensive as stereotypes can be, they can also be accurate and, well, funny.

Anyway, I saw the original list and Davenport’s corrections (“Hipster”/”Artist;” “Yuppie”/”Young Collector”—who the hell says “yuppie” any more?; “Alcoholic;” “The River Oaks “Matron”/”Patron;” and finally, “The Arts Writer.”  I guess Bill Davenport has a little class himself and couldn’t bring himself to be as idiomatically outdated as Houstonia’s Michael Hardy by translating “Alcoholic” into “Poor Unfortunate Struggling with Substance Abuse Issues and Embarrassing Him or Herself in Public as a Cry for Help.” It’s just not as catchy.

While I thought Davenport did a great and entertaining job lampooning that one, I decided that the original wasn’t as long as it could have been and that Michael Hardy is perhaps not seasoned enough to spot a few of the less obvious of the Houston art opening stereotypes. I don’t know Hardy, so I don’t know if he should be faulted. As a lover of lists, I see Hardy’s as the product of one who is simply not well informed—an equivalent to a birder looking to the sky and then rushing to report the spotting of a grackle.

A

A
(A). SHHHH–we don’t want to disturb the North American White Tufted Tattooed Dude with an NRA Card in its natural habitat.

I decided it simply wasn’t complete, so I ventured forth with a few additions of my own. I hope Davenport will follow up with a post zinging my sorry ass with corrections. Then I can post a spirited, witty retort. We’ll go back and forth like this for months until Bill finally calls me an ignorant slut.

B

Think of this reference as “Vintage” rather than “Dated”…

Before I begin, though, I need to confess a couple of things—a pre-list list, if you will:

1. I say this all the time, it’s true now more than ever:  I am completely out of it. I have no right writing anything at all about art. A few weeks ago, while being led through a small alt space in which I’m slated to exhibit, I blurted out, “I’m gonna hafta really think about how to make this interesting, because you couldn’t show me one fucking interesting thing going on in a white cube these days.” I looked up and remembered that I was talking to the curator of a white cube. Oops. I lost interest in new movements after it occurred to me that “crowdsourcing” had already been done—by Twain’s Tom Sawyer.

2. I don’t understand why Houston, Texas needs two art fairs. I don’t understand why Houston, Texas needs one art fair. Come to think of it, I don’t understand why anybody, anywhere needs an art fair.

3. Finally, every single issue addressed here boils down to money, and that’s uninteresting and depressing and as frustrating and infuriating as what’s going on in the White House and ultimately not worth the bother.

So hey, consider the source and follow along as I smugly identify some of the less obvious (to the layperson, anyway) species in their native or non-native habitat. WARNING: some are not easy to spot until you recognize their distinct warbles…

 

Scratch “Dime”, Insert “Original Painting/ Drawing/ Sculpture”

Scratch “Dime,” Insert “Original Painting/ Drawing/ Sculpture”

1. The Not-For-Profit Panhandler

This is an educated and well-intentioned breed, usually donning plumage that says, “I’m stuck in an office, but I’ve got some flair!” A brightly colored scarf or shawl for the ladies; a wild tie or button down with a zany print for the gents.

Face it: even the biggest art institutions these days are hurting/hemorrhaging financially and doing everything they can to appeal to the common denominator who, statistically (when you have a few extra hours, check out studies by the Alliance of Artists Communities, Americans for the Arts, NEFA, NYFA, as well as the Ford, MacArthur, Joyce and Irvine Foundations), think Art, Literature, Theater, Cinema, and Music simply materialize through osmosis. It’s sad, but there are only so many art dollars to go around, and only so many people who can (sort of) comfortably support these spaces.

Shutting down a non-profit that is basically doing the same thing as another non-profit in a small-ish community isn’t like shutting down the damned government; it’s like closing Gimbels because Macy’s is more popular.

One would think that creative types could dream up a fundraising solution other than the tired art auction to convince folks who consume culture that they might want to support it. Apparently, one should think again.

It’s starting to feel like I have handed over my product, gratis, more often than I have hand it over to someone who’s actually paid for it. I think they should next ask the homeless to volunteer in a soup kitchen. It  makes about as much sense, and if I say “no,” I’m treated as if I don’t care about the community.

What’s even more tiring is that the work these non-profits are asking me to donate that will make them money at an auction are works that are not edgy enough to be shown in an their cutting edge spaces.

She Looks Good Now, but You'll Never Get Those Stains Off the Sofa

She Looks Good Now, But You’ll Never Get Those Stains Off the Sofa

Why can’t they ask the chick sticking a yam up her ass to contribute something for an auction? Oh, yeah…not a big ticket item…

Which leads me to:

Look What I Won at the Carnival, Honey!  I Never Thought ANYTHING could replace the "We Don't Swim in Your Toilet--Don't Pee in Our Pool" Plaque!

Look What I Won at the Carnival, Honey! I Never Thought ANYTHING Could Replace the “We Don’t Swim in Your Toilet–Don’t Pee in Our Pool” Plaque!

2. The K-Mart Shopper

(Hard to initially distinguish, as they are known, in scientific circles, for their camouflage or mimicry. Also recognized for their remarkable agility and speed when baited with a ball point pen and sheet of paper at a silent auction.)

Art auctions that ride the backs of conventional 2- and 3-D art make it easy for anybody to collect art! Swell! Everybody wins…?

The fact is that it sure IS swell—but for whom? I’m the sucker cow who’s handed over the milk for free. Why would anyone bother to buy my work in the gallery where it’s sold for a marginally fair price when they can snatch it up like a knock-off Louis Vitton bag on Canal Street? What a bunch of smart shoppers! And a bunch of dumb artists!

I’m not against the idea of art auctions for a good cause, but how many goddamned good causes should I be responsible for when I need a new transmission?

 

 

Unfortunately, the Layout Department Ran Out of Space and Had to Cut "Down the River". It was Either That or Change Fonts.

Unfortunately, the Layout Department Ran Out of Space and Had to Cut “Down the River”. It Was Either That or Change Fonts.

3. The “Hey—This Gives me an Idea for a Screenplay-ers”

Can be identified by their demeanor of unbridled enthusiasm—note the casual stance and the air of an Amway salesman)

Don’t get me wrong—I appreciate anyone who is inspired by my work. But I have, more often than not, been cornered by the guy/gal who thinks what I’m doing is so fabulous, it would be even more fabulous if I did something else with it. What if I take what I do and do something really interesting with it? Like transfer it onto a big slab of concrete and let kids skateboard all over it? Or transfer my original design onto a big scrap of shag carpeting?

This variety is just a friendlier, less dangerous version of: The “I Can Draw Spunky!” or the “I’ve Bought the Dallas Cowboys! Hand Me My Helmet!”

How Hard Could this shit possibly be?

How Hard Could This Shit Possibly Be?

(This breed’s a bit like the Mynah. Observe the wise nod indicating a keen, watchful eye—this one’s a quick study!)

Naturally, I love that people are interested my work enough to buy it, but I’ve noticed that many view a purchase as not a ticket to a front row seat or an opportunity to learn more about the game, but as a way to establish themselves as a fellow player.

I had a lobotomy last year. It was great and it fixed my brain. Since then, I’ve taken to schlepping over to the med center just for giggles to do a few procedures of my own. Who cares if I’m not a trained professional and didn’t bust my butt for a degree or license? I’ve seen a zillion reruns of House, Chicago Hope, Doogie Houser, M.D., and Scrubs. With an X-acto, a glue gun, and a Singer Sewing Kit, I’ll get you in and out before some asshole has a chance to invalidate your Obamacare.”

 

The Mild One sporting a jaunty cap. He’ll be meeting up with the Mild Bunch at Notsuoh.

The Mild One sporting a jaunty cap. He’ll be meeting up with the Mild Bunch at Notsuoh.

5. The Conventional Subversive

(Like the peacock, easy to spot—if the peacock used too much product or sported Buster Browns.)

What could any artist do these days that would be truly provocative or shocking in an art space? If you can answer that question for me, I won’t get so bored  with those who think they’re doing just that posing as enfants terribles.

These folks, of course, fall correctly into the “Hipster” subspecies, but I feel that they’ve been slightly misclassified. How hip can they possibly be? If they are seeing themselves that way, maybe the skinny jeans are cutting off the circulation. What is a bad boy or girl doing hanging out in an art gallery, anyway? Why do they stand around in their permanent states of ennui in the very spaces they are pretending to be too smart for? We all know that once the art world starts recognizing their talents, they’ll justify their selling out as part of the performance.

When asked, “What are you rebelling against?” none of them can pop off like Brando any more with the “Whadda ya got?” It’s a drag when ya realize, well, ya got nothin’.

Damned Straight! But the New Season of “Revolution Reality” Will Give Us a Chance to Use the John During Commercial Breaks.

Damned Straight! But the New Season of “Revolution Reality” Will Give Us a Chance to Use the John During Commercial Breaks.

And as long as we’re on the subject of those wacky adolescents, let’s go to the impossible to ignore:

This is For Real! There’s Also a Gift Set with Scented Soap and a Scrip for Alprazolam.

This is For Real! There’s Also a Gift Set with Scented Soap and a Scrip for Alprazolam.

6. Custodians of the Mini Terrorists

(Another common, easy to distinguish species. Note the fatigue. The stained clothes. The necessary blow-n’-go hairstyle. The Ziploc bag filled with healthy snacks.)

I find this species hard to pick on because it, like its kin the Not-For-Profit Panhandler, is a victim, more than the other breeds, of societal and economic decay. I feel terrible for the bedraggled looking parents of these kids…but when the fuck did the art space become Gymboree?

I get it. Really. I grew up in the safety of the suburbs. We weren’t allowed to come inside the house until the street lights came on, and the babysitter got a dollar an hour and a Popsicle. Man, have times changed. Nobody can afford a sitter, so kids are trundled into art galleries where they’re bored and there’s nowhere to expend all that energy. I once saw a kid jump up and down while smacking at an unframed drawing on a gallery wall. When the parents were asked to make him stop, the mother—an artist—said, “It’s not a good drawing!”

But hey! Why, really, should we give a damn about an art dealer or the space that he or she has to pay an exorbitant amount of rent to occupy and who has to peddle a lot of shit that looks like something your “kid could do” in order to provide a place for cheap wine consumption and the Junior Olympics?

This phenomenon has led to the most boring, bourgeois attitudes, and it has made it acceptable for people who ought to know better to spout the art-world equivalent of “Kids Say the Darndest Things!”: “My Kid Could Do That!”

To Hell With These Demanding “Artists”—Lil’ Marla Here Will Paint You a Pollock for a Fruit Roll-up and a Box of Juicy Juice.

To Hell With These Demanding “Artists”—Lil’ Marla Here Will Paint You a Pollock for a Fruit Roll-up and a Box of Juicy Juice.

Kids say the darndest things because they’re not educated and your kid could make a Jackson Pollock because anybody can throw paint around—but that wasn’t the raison d’être or point of Abstract Expressionism…was it?

I love children, especially my friends’. But making every art event family-friendly dumbs everything down, which is really depressing. For my next show, I’m going to fill the whole room with party-colored, germ-covered plastic balls, just like at McDonald’s, and I’m going to administer flu shots at the door while lying naked on a remnant of customized shag carpeting.

Since this whole article has been half-assed and in no uncertain order, I’ll conclude with my personal favorite:

Open your wallets and follow me, my brethren, and your insipid blogging will make you as rich and successful as all of those who have cleaned up doing yo-yo demonstrations at local elementary schools!

Open your wallets and follow me, my brethren, and your insipid blogging will make you as rich and successful as all of those who have cleaned up doing yo-yo demonstrations at local elementary schools!

7. The Pen Wielding Painter

Forget that a surplus of artists writing about art indicates a lack of interest from people outside the art world. Forget that a review of an artist’s work penned by his or her studio mate is a sycophantic insider-y snooze. Forget that most of the writing, especially in a small community, is done with a complete conflict of interest. Forget everything. If you remember what art writing is really supposed to be doing, you’ll only get angry.

Why the hell are so many artists dying to write? Don’t they realize how excruciatingly painful and difficult and a true drag it really is? Of course not—they have the same “My Kid Could Do That” mentality about it that makes them, with an exceptional few, pretty irksome. Some guy from an improv troupe once told me that I was being a baby and that writing was easy. My writer friends unanimously responded with: Not if you’re any good at it!

The blogosphere has given anybody with a keyboard who wants the world to know he or she’s not just some dumb fuck slinging paint and a true intellectual a license to spew unedited crap. It’s also made it impossible to get paid. Now that everybody’s a writer, it’s a breeze to let the world know how smart and talented your friends are, or what you’ve eaten for dinner or what your cat just coughed up. And it’s all just about that interesting.

Your kid could do that.

To be clear, I think that an artist does have a unique perspective on his or her craft that someone who doesn’t know the art world can learn from. But who, outside of the art world is reading this besides all my friends? Let the circle jerk begin.

I could go on. I’ve hardly scratched the surface on this topic. But I’m tired. I, unlike the simultaneously Painting (art making, really, but I like alliteration) and Pen (keyboard) Wielding, don’t think writing is easy or fun.

And like I said when I started this thing, it really boils down to money—and though Glasstire PAYS ITS WRITERS BETTER THAN ANY PUBLICATION I’VE EVER WORKED FOR, it’s not a “real” job, so if I spend time making my own work, I just don’t have the energy to sit down and write about somebody else’s. I’m so all about me.

I should also say that while they’re fun to classify, I find the most challenging types of people at art openings are, well, the people themselves. Why? Because I like talking to folks and catching up with friends or making new ones. It’s one of my few social outlets. But I also don’t get to really look at the art, and I rarely have time to revisit the space during gallery hours and properly take it in. I technically don’t, for whatever reason, even have a chance to appreciate what my peers are doing. Therefore, out of all of the illustrated types in this rendition of The Sibley Guide to Bird Life and Behavior, I, the Entitled North American Thrift-Store-Clad Screeching Loser, might be the most irritating of them all.

At Right, Please Quietly and Carefully Observe the Lark in the popular mall photobooth, one of Her Natural Middle School Habitats, As It perfects the Sullen Sneer Common to so Many of her Breed.

At Right, Please Quietly and Carefully Observe the Lark in the popular mall photobooth, one of Her Natural Middle School Habitats, As It Perfects the Sullen Sneer Common to So Many of Her Breed.

also by Laura Lark

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12 responses to “The Lark Guide to Artworld Behaviors”

  1. when i donate to a nonprofit, at the event i eat and drink the value of the donation. winning :(

    1. You’re probably eating and drinking donated food & booze.

      Which is not to defend non-profits. For more reading on the subject, let me recommend the following, from our 2006 Clark Flood series “Object in the Mirror”:

      http://glasstire.com/2006/11/02/objects-in-the-mirror-15-useless-mediocrity/

      1. next time i will wear a shirt.
        ps “object in the mirror” good read

  2. I especially love #3. I’ve thought of putting a sign in my studio that says, “Unsolicited advice will result in a $100 surcharge.”

    1. YES!

  3. I absolutely love everything about Lara Lark…major crush.
    P.S. re: #6, it was fun to watch those hipster parents and their mini terrorists in the Mike Kelley retrospective at PS1…the kids looked dumbfounded, or were crying.

    1. Laura!

    2. I saw a #6 mini-terrorist run between a large cube of glass and a large cube of needles at a Tara Donovan exhibit before hopping over a delicate scotch tape floor installation. They later found him hiding in a storage closet in the gift shop. The mother laughed about it as if that were the norm.

      1. …that show gets extra points for “engaging audiences with dynamic programming” :)

  4. yes….it seems so familiar….so hopeless…..a line from my writting…’that evening i tried to hang myself with a canvas belt’….oh, and loo reed is dead…no more openings there….cherrio!

  5. Hey – great, great stuff. I’ve been an artist and a writer for more than 30 years (though not necessarily at the same time) and appreciate your perspectives on both. Thanks! ps I live in upstate New York, so Houston references are lost on me; still your polished rant is relevant everywhere art types congregate. pps I’m also on the board of a nonprofit gallery. Laughing at myself, here! Thanks again.

  6. I know vat you are zinking. You are zinking “Oh no, Adolf cannot pozibly have anyzing gut to contribute to ze art vurlt.” Zis ist not true!!! I have plenty of zings to say about art! This is vhy I am back from ze det! Yet I feel that I shoot clarify a vew of ze mizaprehenzions about meinself beforehand.

    Yez, I am responsible for the death of millions of people but it vas an accident! I vas at an important meeting viz all of ze movers unt der shakers of mein day unt ve vere eating frankenkraunzenbrenvinbrillers undt talking politics. I vas listening to Her Goring prattle on about zis unt zat and I took a drink of mien juice to vash down a bite of strudel. The juize was vile! It vas rotten! It was the most horrible, disgusting juize zat I hat ever hat in mein life and I haf very sensitive bowels unt zer is nozing more destructive for weak bowels zen rotten juize! It vas gagging on ze juice and ze strudel unt so I slammed my hand down on ze table und screamed out “Ve must get rid of ze juize!! It will invade und destroy mein colon!”

    Before I knew it, six million Jews ver dead and ve had invaded Poland. I vill never talk viz mien mouth full again! Voops!

    Now, I haf plenty to say about zis article but I vant to tell you a little bit about mien art background for those who are not vamiliar. I feel zat I have never been given credit for mien art! People point to mein dravings und mein vatercolors und zey say zat zis ist mein art. Nien! Zey ver only ze beginning!

    Mein Early Art

    I created the largest artist group in ze vorld! Ve vere very ahead of our time! We created art on all levels! Architecture! I redesigned ze Berlin!

    Fashion! Have you ever seen our uniforms? Can you say ze vort”fabulous”?

    Graphic Dezign! Talk about brand recognition!

    Zer Performance Art! We did large performance art pieces viz marching soldiers und ze cheering people und hand waves!

    Graffiti! Ve put Banksy to shame! “Oh, look at me I am ze Banksy unt I hung one of mein paintings in ze art museum wizout ze permission cause I am so cool”. Dummkopf! I emptied entire museums and hung whatever I wanted on the valls vizout permizion!

    You zink you invented ze anti-advertising graffiti? Are you kitting? No one did anti-advertising graffiti like I did! Ve shut down entire stores unt spraypainted on ze INSIDE walls.

    Video Art! Ve had a whole team of people vorking on making video art about our art project.

    Curating! Ve filled museums! Ve picked art from here unt zer unt promoted ze artists zat ve liked.

    Ve had artistic vision unt taste! People say “oh, ze NAZI’s were just rich people pushing their artistic taste on everyone else and manipulating ze art vorld. Do you zink ze art market iz different today? Ve vere all about ze art! Ze Zird Reich was ze vorlds largest art movement! It vas all about making our artistic vision a reality! Ze NAZI party vas the vorld’s largest art group! NAZI stands for Naturalist Artists Zeroing In. Ze truz zat people fail to realize is zat I vas ze vorlds most famous artist!!!

    Now, let me comment on ze article. You zaid “I had to ask myself—why did this post prompt me to dust off the keyboard? Then I realized: I love lists! I love categories! I love breaking things down systematically. It lulls me into the comforting thought that there can possibly be order amidst all of the chaos.” I know exactly vat you mean!! Ze vorld needs ORDER!! Do you zenze a connection? You know I am zingle now right? Zorry Eva but Marriage ist only “til death do we part” unt I vant you to know zat I like long valks on ze beach viz mein hund und ze zee thru leiderhosen.

    I really like vat Michael Hardy zaid in his article about ze hipsters. “Hipsters have plenty of time to attend exhibition openings since they are either collecting unemployment, working part-time at Half Price Books, or enrolled in a master’s program in an esoteric subject with no job prospects. Although ostensibly there for the art, hipsters can usually be found smoking outside the gallery, often in the company of other hipsters. (Like hyenas, hipsters travel in packs.) They can be spotted by their weather-inappropriate clothing—knit caps and sweaters in the summertime, jean shorts and t-shirts in the winter—and their vintage glasses. Do not ask a hipster what he thinks of the art, as you are likely to receive a string of Frankfurt School platitudes punctuated with references to abstruse theorists the hipster has never actually read and hopes you haven’t either. ” He is totally right!! Vy don’t ze hipsters get a job?!! Unt cut zer hair! Unt grow a mustache! A tiny little mustache zat fits under zer nose.

    Zos dirty hipsters! Zey are a plague on our galleriez! I have to push zrou zoze dirty cigarette smoking hipsters just to get into ze gallery unt zey are alvays in mein vay standing inbetween me unt ze art. Ze art vorld needs more lebensraum!!!! Zose degenerate artists! If there is any purpose in art criticism… If art writing is to have any meaning at all it must destroy ze career of ze young artists! Michael Hardy is completely right! Zose dirty, disgusting, lazy, unemployed, artists are a burden to all of society! Vat is vorst, I don’t even know who is a hipster most of ze time! It is so hart to tell who ist unt hipster! Vy don’t zey wear name tags or somezing or get tattoos zat say “hipster” so zat ve know zat zey are hipsters?

    You wrote: “One would think that creative types could dream up a fundraising solution other than the tired art auction to convince folks who consume culture that they might want to support it. Apparently, one should think again.” Ve can come up viz a solution! Ve need a solution zat vil zolve ze problem once and for all. A zort of… final zolution. Perhaps ze problem iz zat ze hipsters are asked to contribute little zings here unt zere unt zey keep asking because ze hipsters don’t do anyzing BIG zat makes people feel like “wooow, zose artists alrety really did a lot for ze charity” unt zen zey vouldn’t ask ze artists to do anyzing elze. All ze hipsters in ze vorld could go to zpecial artist residency vork camps unt vork togezer on ze same project in order to make ze vorld a better plaze. Ve could zend zem in ze trains in order to keep down ze costs und zen maybe zose hipsters can pay back ze zociety und if they all work really hart on the zame art project together zen it will seem like they haf done so much so zat people won’t go to zem and ask zem “can I have von of your paintings for free for mien auction”?

    You vrote “I once saw a kid jump up and down while smacking at an unframed drawing on a gallery wall. When the parents were asked to make him stop, the mother—an artist—said, “It’s not a good drawing!”” Amazing! Wow! Zis kinde is unt art critic after mien own heart! Zis child should be asked to collaborate viz ze Michael Hardy so zo zey can really give zos stinky degenerate hipsters vat is coming to zem! Vell, anyway… I pozted zis on my new blog unt if you vant to zee mein pictures unt stuff feel free to stop by. http://adolfhitlersghost.wordpress.com/ I’ve come here to ze Texaz to have my ghost retirement unt I try to get out to ze galleries. Don’t take it ze wrong vay if I don’t haunt you or zomezing unt if you don’t zee me it’s juzt because I am mostly invisible you know? If you do see me around zo don’t be afraid to zay hiel-o.

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