TDH and Ali talk sharks and shit

Last week, the Puleo-Fitzgerald abode was visited by Torpedoboy himself, Trenton Doyle Hancock, who was in town working on a project with the Austin Ballet. The epic struggle between Mounds and Vegans will be realized in dance next spring. Incidentally, TDH is also a very gifted dancer, as I
witnessed at Elysium.

Mostly, we watched SharkWeek on the Discovery Channel. More
specifically, a melodramatic reenactment of the tragedy of the US
Indianapolis, which some of you may remember from a mentioning in the
movie JAWS. An onboard mishap caused a violent explosion leaving 900
sailors a drift. After five days afloat in shark-infested waters, only 300 remained alive.

Q: Describe your fate if you had been aboard the USS Indianapolis?

TDH: I would have died in the initial explosion or shortly after. I can’t swim.

Ali admits that she would have drunk salt water, inducing insanity
in her already weakened state and swimming hysterically to death by
shark.

Another highlight of our conversation revolved around a new addition
to the Barbie family: Tanner the Dog! Tanner, as TDH explained comes
with food that he has the ability to shit out. Barbie magnetically
scoops up his poop and re-feeds it to him. This delightful toy inspired
the
following tet-a-turd:

Ali: I love that Barbie is wearing high-water pants so as to avoid her dog's endless crapping.

TDH: I know, but splash-back is a bitch.

Ali: But do you know what's worse? Back-Splash-Double- Back. It's where multiple dogs with tails at both ends perform the splash-back while you are stuck in a sandwich.

TDH: Then I suppose you've heard of Back-Splash-Double- Back-Spray-n-Wax.
It's where multiple dogs with tails at both ends perform diarrhea
splash-back. The dogs are EXTREMELY happy about it so their tails are
wagging super fast forming a high-powered fan. The suction in the
resultant vortex is so strong that one cannot escape the whirling mud
tunnel without having both their pants and the top layer of leg-skin
ripped off. A very rare occurrence, but has been known to happen.

Ali: Yeah, I first encountered the Back-Splash-Double- Back-Spray-n-Wax on the 7th floor of a parking garage in Des Moines. Don't ask. I still can't wear shorts. Have you heard of the Harry-Potter-Back-Splash-Wizard- Jizzer?
It's when THREE dogs, all emblazoned with lightning bolts, link their
sphincters in a holy trinity of magical shit-flinging. Their
extraordinarily snazzy shit turns the poor victim into a pile of
glowing muggle-mud (which is wizard speak for the brown stuff). Be
forewarned though, anyone who touches or is touched by the resulting
"mound" will be instantly transformed into a flaming pile of their own
fantasy (which is universally known to be wizard jizz).

TDH: I love that Barbie is wearing high-water pants so as to avoid her dog's endless crapping. My fantasy actually IS to be shat on by magical dogs, so I guess that would be a vicious brown cycle from whence I would never want to ascend.
How about the ‘Roid-Rage-Johnny-Cash-Splash?
This is when, in a fit of ‘roid-rage,the aggressor corners his/her
victim (usually in a public restroom or photo booth) and pellets said
victim with a series of rapid-fire bung bullets. It's named after
Johnny Cash because the turds that are fired off are almost always a
jet black licorice color, and while in motion, they resemble Johnny
running out of a burning nightclub. It's a well known fact that ‘roid
users like to swallow sharp things such as razor blades and chicken
wire. If any of these objects remain in the turd as it is being
furiously expelled, it could do harm or inflict a mortal wound on the
recipient, especially since a ‘roid user's ass
muscles are, on the average, superhumanly toned.

Ali: I was pretty well-acquainted with the ‘Roid-Rage- Johnny-Cash-Splash when I played varsity tennis. Although we called it the
Backhanded-Navratilova-Wet-Net.
But here's something I've only heard about in Aesop's lesser-known
scatological fables: It's called, "The Ass, the Pussy Willow and the
Diamond."

According to legend, a meandering farmer's ass stumbled onto a diamond
sitting on a Pussy Willow. The ass, overcome with greed, stuck his face
so far into that furry Pussy Willow that he caused some freak
transcendental occurrence wherein all three elements merged. This new
super-animal was equipped with the ability to shit in three distinct
ways: animal, vegetable and mineral.

Renowned Shitologist Kernel Ewwe claims that this miraculous
shit is buried somewhere in Newfoundland and contains the secret to immortality. It's like the El Dorado of shit.

Interesting Animal Fact: The fetus of a certain species of shark,
including the tiger shark, engage in in utero cannibalism. Its true!
This is why the tiger shark fetus is my power animal.