Mientras me caso…

by Leslie Moody Castro February 17, 2012

Armando Miguélez, Estudio Artes Mientras me Caso (I will study art until I get married), Printed on a sticker

There are few times that I complain about living in Mexico.  There are even fewer things that bother me about living here.  Generally, I love everything about the country and the city.  However, at times living in Mexico is like confronting gender roles as they were in the 1960s.  Here it is normal to live your entire life with your parents until you get married.  This dilemma is addressed in a body of work by Spanish/US/Mexican based (part of the year) artist Armando Miguelez.  Miguélez created a series of t-shirts and stickers with the phrase estudio artes mientras me caso (I will study art until I get married).  It was a funny and ironic way to address the phrase that he heard everywhere throughout his time at university in Puebla, Mexico. Here women go to University from high school, and work until they get married and have babies, after which you spend most of your life raising children, maintaining the home, and keeping the husband happy.  The irony is that raising the children means overseeing the nanny; maintaining the home really entails managing the staff that come to do the dirty work like the maid who comes once a week to clean; and keeping the husband happy usually means turning a blind eye as he screws his secretary in one of the many hourly hotels hidden across the city.

While this is not the case for every one in every marriage, this is certainly the common societal trope.

Moving here initially in 2004, I was totally shocked by these roles and how Mexico seemed to have escaped the entire feminist revolution.  Mexican based, Scottish artist Katri Walker plays on this idea of Machismo in her video State of the He/Art, speaking the lyrics of a 1980s British pop song So Macho with a perfectly still and unaffected face.  Walker addressed the absurdity of Machismo in a post feminist-culture.  Yet honestly, why should any type of women’s liberation happen?  While the husband is screwing the secretary, the wife stays happy with her babies being disciplined by nannies in her beautiful home, comfortable car, and gorgeous possessions.  After a certain point (mainly when the babies come) the career goes out the window, as do personal goals and a certain amount of dignity.  Even living here now people are shocked when I tell them that at the ripe old age of 30 I am not married, pay my own bills, have no desire to have babies, and would much rather live in a comfortable two bedroom apartment alone than with a partner.  People are even more shocked to find out that I take my own laundry to get washed, clean my own apartment, and have absolutely no desire to quit my career anytime soon.

Additionally, there is the issue of objectification.  In the United States I am quite possibly the most average person to walk the streets.  I am of average height, size, skin color, and hair color.  I am neither overweight nor noticeably thin, and I literally never receive a second glance on the street, nor would I ever be the girl accused of stopping traffic.

All of that, however, is totally different in Mexico.

With the average height being less than five feet tall, I am literally a walking giant.  I never worry about falling or losing my balance on the subway because I can reach above everyone’s head and grab the handrail comfortably.  I have, however, suffered unfortunate head trauma from walking straight into low awnings or door frames.  My features have been called exotic, and most mistake me for Argentine, Italian, or Greek because my dark hair is in total contrast to my green eyes.  I am literally stopped on the street regularly by people wanting to know where I am from.  Somehow I’ve become accustomed to all of this.  I’ve even become accustomed to the whistles and under-the-breath comments such as ay preciosa or venga mi reina.  I have even become accustomed to the backhanded compliments that I receive when I respond to those asking where I am from, that: ” Yes, I am from the United States, the state of Texas, and yes, I am, in fact, a gringa.” 

Katri Walker, State of the He/Art (So Macho), 2006, Video still

What I have not become accustomed to, however, are the times when I am literally grabbed, or manhandled by a group of drunk Mexican men at 4pm sitting at the table next to me in a restaurant (seriously, that happened just a few days ago).  I’ve not gotten used to the fact that many businessmen do not recognize my time as being just as important as theirs because they have an urgent email coming from London that they absolutely must wait for, leaving me in the lobby for 20 minutes as I review my presentation and proposal one last time.

Perhaps the most astonishing thing though is how it has affected me personally in ways that I have never really noticed or expected.  I find that my body language is different.  I lower the intonation of my voice so no one will hear a foreign accent in any language.  I dress differently: I wear large sunglasses to hide my eyes, I pull my hair back into a discreet ponytail, I slouch to loose a few centimeters from my height.  Very recently I even paid for a gym membership­—something exorbitantly expensive here—just to avoid being stared at while running outside.

With all the aforementioned going through my mind the past week I just happened to be engaged in a totally random conversation with a male friend when the gender issue came up.  For him it was an unfortunate issue of timing when in the middle of the conversation he said, with joking sincerity, “It’s just that women want to be like men and it’s so funny.”  I literally had to pick my jaw up from the floor.

Wait…WHAT?  Are we back in 1975?  I couldn’t hide my shock or my offense at the statement.

So let’s deconstruct this:  I live alone.  I am successful at what I do.  I have no desire to be married.  I want to be treated like a normal human being rather than have my gender thrown in my face every time I walk down the street.  I would rather be me than present a masquerade of layered clothing simply to avoid being taken advantage of.  Interesting how all of the aforementioned qualities are defined in someone else’s eyes as reasons to renounce my gender.

Just to be clear: there is not a single day where I ever wish to be a man.  I would prefer to be the objectified rather than the gender responsible for objectifying throughout history.  I would much rather travel through my own personal emotional rollercoaster every month if it means I am capable of empathizing, recognizing, and accepting the consequences of my decisions.  I would much rather be considerate, caring, and have the built in, biological capability to multitask.

Sorry dudes, I hate to break it to you in such a trite manner, but this is not about a sexual revolution or gender equality in the workplace.  This is literally about being a human being without roles and without judgment.



DISCLAIMER: This does not at all represent 100% of the population, just a vast majority.  I have a ton of wonderful male friends in Mexico who are appalled to hear how we are treated as women and I have the utmost respect for them.


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janice February 19, 2012 - 13:03

🙂 this is right on, querida. I have been thinking of this a lot this week. Do you see any progress? possibilities for change? What would it take to shake this up?

Leslie Castro February 19, 2012 - 13:54

I honestly have no idea. I’ve been thinking about this a lot since that incident happened at the restaurant. I think diffusing information like this blog helps, but otherwise it’s a quiet and accepted thing which is incredibly frustrating. How do you think things could change?

Amit February 19, 2012 - 15:15

Sadly this is the case in 2/3 of the world. It’s utterly shameful and magnified in countries like India (in some cultures they actually sigh when the know they’re having a baby girl).

Young minds and fresh thinking is needed.

JasonM February 20, 2012 - 11:21

It’s always surprising to me how, within the unstable coalition of the U.S. Democratic Party, the cheerleaders for unregulated mass immigration from Mexico simply assume that the act of crossing the border is going to turn the party’s fastest-growing constituency into textbook egalitarian progressives, on board with gay rights, environmentalism, anti-harassment laws, etc.

Whereas common sense would seem to suggest that /machismo/ is in fact going to become a much bigger problem in the U.S. than it was 20 years ago. Thanks, cheerleaders for unregulated mass immigration!

“times when I am literally grabbed, or manhandled by a group of drunk Mexican men at 4pm…This does not at all represent 100% of the population, just a vast majority… I was totally shocked by these roles and how Mexico seemed to have escaped the entire feminist revolution.”

Celia Eberle February 20, 2012 - 11:45

Great article, Leslie. I think this is an extremely important topic. Jason makes an excellent point. How do we continue to push for the advance of civilization or human evolution, if you will, with the oversimplifications of “multicultural acceptance” in this country and the rejection of “American ideals” worldwide?

Dee February 20, 2012 - 17:25

First off – tricky topic, well-handled.

I agree with all your points and appreciate that you clearly appreciate the cultural relativism issue.

But what pisses me off about myself is – i get dead pissed off at machismo here everyday but then love it when i don’t have to carry stuff.

Leslie Castro February 20, 2012 - 21:36

Dee, that’s hilarious. I do, however, think there is a difference between chivalry and machismo behavior. In fact, today a gentleman ran from his bus stop across the street to help myself and a taxi driver lug a huge box out of the taxi. He missed his bus and asked for no change in return. It really was a nice, redeeming gesture considering the above article.

Jason and Celia, thank you so much for the comments and the praise on the article, I appreciate it immensely. I do have to mention as well that the class structure that still exists in Mexico really has a lot to do with the Machismo, and makes it even more complicated to explain. The men that were awful to me in that restaurant were older, wealthy, well educated men who should know better than to treat anyone the way they were treating me. These are also men that would never migrate to the states unless their families are in direct danger of kidnapping or extortion. For this class of people there is an obvious entitlement factor…that’s all just in a nutshell and a gross simplification of a crazy complex system.

I’m still trying to figure out the factors on how and why the feminist revolution never came to Mexico, or at least the city which is so progressive. I assume that much of it has to do with the political situation that was going on in the 60s here where people were fighting for basic human and workers rights, something that had taken place in the states long before.

I am also hoping that some of my Mexican lady friends will give me their two cents on this issue here, especially on how it can change…

Sorry for such a long response to you all, hopefully more insights will come!

Leslie Castro February 20, 2012 - 21:38

and Jason, I hope I understood your comment correctly!

Kate S. February 21, 2012 - 18:32

I have been living in Mexico D.F. for the past six months, transplanted from ol ¨us of a…. and, yes, I can attest to being stared at while out in public and that the most of the older women (55+) are mired in the domestic affairs from morning to night. But the women I know, between the ages of 20 to 55, are using their education by working as teachers, doctors, nurses, etc, they drive, and they also have children… the culture on the surface is machismo, but most young women, I have met are individuals. Even watching the older women, as they rule their home from their kitchens, I do not see is as oppressive force, but women who are in complete control… try reading Kitchenspace: women, fiestas, and everyday life in central Mexico By Maria Elisa Christi It puts a different spin on the role of domestication and women in Mexico D.F: There are times when I think that when art touches on issues such as of feminism, racism, and culture stereotypes, it has to identify the superficial norm in order to hold the attention of a wider audience, as well as, playing to the highly emotional charge these issues carry…i

it puts a different spin on the role of domestication and women in Mexico D.F:

Leslie Castro February 23, 2012 - 10:44

Hi Kate,

I also have loads of younger (30-40) female friends that incredibly successful here in DF, and they run the gamut of success from business women and investors, to artists, cultural critics, writers and social activists. Actually, I sent this to many of them before posting just to get their thoughts, and they unanimously asked me to “please post it,” regardless of how angry it sounds.

I’m not saying that women can’t be successful or have careers. I’m referring more to the expectations that women are faced with. I still have to defend why I’m not married, and don’t have children, and I’ve been living here for years (also, I divorced my Mexican husband in 2008, imagine trying to explain that one!).

Thank you for your book recommendation. I am going to look for it today and (hopefully) download it! I’m really interested to see what Maria Elisa writes.

On another note, if you ever need anything in El Monstruo you should shoot me an email, even if it’s for a cup of coffee. I’m somewhere around going on my third year here (on and off) and know that at times one just needs to speak their native language! Abrazos!


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