Tell Us About Yourself

by Christina Rees September 4, 2014

Glasstire2-2

In order to better serve the interests of our readers, Glasstire would like to gather some information about you. Please fill out the following brief questionnaire and let us know who you are!

 

1. When was the last time you visited an art museum?

a. About a year ago.

b. Last month.

c. Right now. I work in the basement of one.

d. I own a museum.

 

2. If you own an art gallery, how long have you been in business and how do you feel about it?

a. Less than a year. It is incredibly fulfilling.

b. Between two and ten years: It’s a service to the community; we have a full library of leftover artist catalogs and self-help books.

c. It’s a project, not a gallery—it’s a very fluid thing—I prefer not to overly categorize it. It’s a house. Well, kind of an apartment. Nine and a half weeks.

d. I lost track after my addiction to booze and Ambien took over. Which gallery are you talking about?

 

3. If you are an artist, what is the price range of your work?

a. I haven’t sold anything… yet!

b. Paintings go for between $2-$5K, editions for around $400.

c. I don’t know. Ask my dealer what he’s getting away with these days.

d. My prices are very reasonable. Plenty of room for upward movement, great investment. If you give it to the Tate, you can have a second one for free, and my dealer will throw in an inkjet by that other guy.

 

4. If you are an adjunct this semester teaching ceramics at a local university, how is it going?

a. One of the students reported me for discrimination because I asked her why she always stamped her work with “WWJD?”

b. I used my first three paychecks to pay for a new transmission on my thirteen-year-old Chevrolet Aveo.

c. Which university? I teach at three.

 

5. If you are an art collector, what do you do with the artwork you don’t want anymore?

a. Shove it under the bed with the other ones.

b. Accidentally scrape the paint off when wedging it under the closet door and then blame it on the housekeeper.

c. Accidentally scrape the paint off under the closet door but then realize it looks way better now and put it back on the wall.

d. Move it to the guest bedroom in “the house in New Mexico.”

e.. Sell it back to my NY dealer at a premium since the artist’s last retrospective has already happened and I might not live long enough to see the next one.

 

6. If you are seated next to an artist at a dinner party, what is your most likely conversation starter with him?

a. Tell me more about your newest conceptual installation. Is it in oil or acrylic?

b. Can you recommend an art consultant who might know if you’re any good or not?

c. I became a museum trustee so that I am guaranteed to never be seated next to an artist.

 

7. If you are a collector and you visit an artist’s studio, which of the following best reflects how you proceed?

a. Be respectful, look very carefully and ask only pertinent, intelligent questions but not too many.

b. Act distracted and pick up random objects and poke at things on the wall, even though the artist is trying to show you something else.

c. Ask to see the back of the canvas to check where the stretchers are made.

d. As you’re walking out the door, ask them how many Sterling Rubys is too many.

e. Sit in the corner and read a newspaper while your wife tries to decide if she’s going to buy anything.

f. Mention the museum board, the new building in Aspen and ask how many Sterling Ruby assistants it takes to change a lightbulb.

 

8. How would you characterize the difference between a Texas artist and a New York artist?

a. The New York artist thinks he has a career but really doesn’t.

b. The Texas artist thinks he has a career but really doesn’t.

b. The New York artist has a thousand-yard stare.

c. The Texas artist has a thousand-yard stare.

d. The Texas artist visits New York once or twice a year.

e. The New York artist never visits Texas unless he/she’s desperate to get a museum show onto his/her CV.

 

9. When you attend an art fair in Texas, which of the following reflects what you are most likely thinking?

a. I am surprised at how polished the operation is, and it makes for a fun day out with the family.

b. Wow. The galleries from out of state brought all their worst crap because they think we’re stupid.

c. Why is everything here abstract and decorative?

d. This dealer is very promising. We must consider adding them to the “Friends of Dallas” list so they’ll offer huge discounts to our board members for bulk-buying in return for a museum show later.

e. I’ll be moving to Montana soon.

 

 

3 comments

3 comments

Robert Boyd September 4, 2014 - 08:58

For number 8, you forgot:

f. The New York artist only visits Texas to act out fantasies of wearing cowboy hats and shooting guns.

Reply
Carol September 8, 2014 - 15:36

1. yesterday
2. no
3. d
4. Anthropology, 20 yr old Ford Crown Vic
5. d
6. him/her b (not all artists are men)
7. a
8. c
9. c/e

Reply
Jan Ayers Friedman September 29, 2014 - 11:28

OOoh last time I went to an art fair, I believe most of them were thinking “Why don’t they have better vodka”

Reply

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